Hateful day when I received life! I exclaimed in agony. Accursed creator! Why did you form a monster so hideous that even you turned from me in disgust? God, in pity, made man beautiful and alluring, after his own image; but my form is a filthy type of yours, more horrid even from the very resemblance. Satan had his companions, fellow-devils, to admire and encourage him; but I am solitary and abhorred.
Mary Shelley, Frankenstein
In chapter 9, I…
- Read stories of Israeli teenagers with queer relationships, and grow hopefull I’ll get to have one
- Decide to come out to B
- Remind myself no one will ever want me
- Start to work on my low self-esteem
?????5?1? ???? ?????
Yesterday I felt really bad, my throat and head hurt (these are symptoms of the new swine flu thats attacking lots of countries right now) and I still prepared for the math exam but in the end I stayed home today. While I did wake up better, good enough for the exam. But I didnt have the energy to go to school today and I was really tired, so maybe I exaggerated a little bit, but I also knew it wouldve been worse if Id ended up going. No biggie, Im alright now, just the throat a bit sore still
Today I surfed the Pokémon Platinum fan website because I was a bit stuck <_< anyway there was a forum about general conversation as well and one of the topics was a discussion of gays / lesbians etc. and they all talked about it freely there there was even one who is just 12
First of all it made me recall this whole thing and luckily it doesnt bother me at all right now, and I thought to myself that I do want to say this to someone.
B also moved recently and we wanted to hang out at her place just for fun so Ill schedule with her and if the conditions are good I think Ill take advantage of it.
Second thing I saw was the people there arent exactly the hottest [ ] and still things are going well for them. Like theres this guy whos 14, like me [ ] with lots of acne and glasses just like mine and hes already going out with his fifth boyfriend. First of all I was jealous, because I have no chance of this happening, but again it shows that Ill get one too sometime and find someone.
2009?5?13? 22:25 Wednesday
Its been a week since I last wrote, theres a truly awful pressure at school at the end of the year and I might be playing the DS too much =P
And mom might buy me two more games for the DS probably in just a month! [redacted] is coming from the US and since a game only costs 35$ mom agreed shed bring me ^____^
What else has happened, besides exams? Hmmm, so Ive been noticing another crazy hot guy (and I mean more than usual this past week) only one year above me, who used to have bangs and now [ ] and two days ago he walked by and H was like “How hot is he? Even though he’s emo” and I wanted to say “Yeah… true” or something but again there’s this hurdle…
Besides I constantly tell myself to stop dreaming, no way someone will ever want me, and I mean I have abysmal self-esteem and confidence, and from now on I’ll start working on them because it’s one of the basic things.
Even if it requires pathetic things like complimenting yourself in front of the mirror… besides it will definitely help my weird gait because it’s affected by it… and I don’t have to feel so gross with myself.
The last paragraph made me laugh. I don’t think Ive ever stood in front of the mirror and uttered compliments out loud. At least my weird gait (and posture) resolved at some point. I remember waking up one day and being like enough, today I fix this problem.
Today’s song is a bit anachronistic. So far I chose for these chapters songs Id listened to in school. Yet, for better or worse, it is as relevant today as it was back then. The second verse is even more so.
Its physically painful to hold myself from sharing every song off Rina Sawayamas second album. They all reach inside and hold me close.