Synopsis

Between 17-20 March 2023, I hiked for the first time: a four-day pilgrimage in Japan to grand shrines. This experience was so grueling and spiritual, that it made me reflect a lot about life.

Growing up in Israel different from everyone, I’d kept a lot of secrets. Now, through this blog in Japan, I finally felt welcomed enough to open up.

During the pilgrimage, I shared a diary entry from my fourteenth birthday. It explained the walls I’d built around myself, and included the first mention of my sexuality in my childhood diaries (“To Be Alive, Part 1“).

On 28 March 2023, I started sharing all the diary entries that chronicled my sexual ups and downs. My wacky hobbies and passions from seventh grade; the way students had been pressuring me to come out (“Chapter 1“). In the absence of someone I could trust, I’d begun having nightmares about supernatural beings trying to break into my house and kill me, when I was home alone at night (“Chapter 2“).

I tried to change my appearance while stressing over school and my ugliness (“Chapter 3“). Feeling misunderstood by my friends, I decided to come out in person to one (“Chapter 4“). But when it hit me that I finally had friends, I felt no need to add sexual fuel to my social fire (“Chapter 5“).

When the friend I’d wanted to come out to said I would always be alone because I was gay, I realized I was too ugly and annoying for anyone to desire. I took pride in the walls I’d built around myself and focused on my dream of writing, yet found that I had lost the ability to cry (“Chapter 6“).

With increasing nightmares, I resolved to come out before my fifteenth birthday. Despite my anger and pain, I forced myself to keep a straight face (“Chapter 7“). I grew addicted to my new Nintendo DS, and realized gay people were everywhere (“Chapter 8“).

Inspired by stories of Israeli teenagers with queer relationships, I began to work on my self-esteem (“Chapter 9“). Realizing how much I’d grown in one year, I dreaded the possibility that coming out would ruin my friendships (“Chapter 10“). I changed my appearance, partied with friends, and got bullied (“Chapter 11“). On my fifteenth birthday, I failed to come out (“Chapter 12“).

In high school, I grew obsessed with gore and sadism. I wrote, directed, edited, and starred in a music video of The Beatles’ Maxwell’s Silver Hammer (“Chapter 13“). As I turned sixteen, my interests darkened. Friendships dissolved; others formed. I realized coming out would never advance me, let alone to find a boyfriend. When I finally came out to a friend, I felt unfulfilled by this stressful confession (“Chapter 14“).

Coming out to another friend didn’t help. I fantasized about a same-sex relationship, yet struggled to imagine myself in one. Then, I developed an attraction to the opposite sex. Feeling abandoned, I grew sick of my fake friends and homophobia in Israel. I realized my emotional armor had led to depression, and dreamed of living more freely abroad in my twenties (“Chapter 15“).

So I focused on studying, and gave up on the idea of intimacy. Constant homophobia and self-hatred pushed me to self-harm. I turned eighteen, and started working on my first novel. After graduating from high school, I began working at a bookshop, and came out as bisexual (“Epilogue“).

At twenty-four, I moved to the UK, but failed to open up. Now, at twenty-eight, I fulfilled my dream, on my current trip in Japan. My temporary happiness made me realize I’d failed in life (“Chapter 15“).

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