I have been thinking about existence lately. In fact, I have been so full of admiration for existence that I have hardly been able to enjoy it properly.
Marylinne Robinson, “Gilead”
This trilogy of posts will be long, emotional, and vexing, due to my worldview. In the end, it will become clear why I chose this title.
In part 1, I…
- Bemoan the necessity of secrets
- Grapple with my imbalance between the brain and the heart
- Resolve to expose more personal sides to myself
- Share my diary entry from my fourteenth birthday
Table of Contents
19 March 2023
Day three of the Nakahechi trail. I’ve never done something so grueling, exhausting, challenging, breath-taking, awe-inspiring, frustrating, and invigorating all at once.
I’m doing well. Nothing bad happened. On the contrary, the more I dip my toes into onsens this trip, the more enjoyment I derive, and the sadder I feel by its inevitable conclusion. I dislike Charles Dickens, but the opening line of A Tale of Two Cities is truly eternal: “It was the best of times, it was the worst of times.”
The first time I felt this was when the pandemic broke out. Confined to my tiny studio apartment, I had to be frugal with my money. I didn’t experience human touch for six or seven months. And I dreaded my future, as always.
But I was also writing day and night.
Up until this trip, the first half of 2020 was the last time I came close to being happy. I will never forget my last night in Norwich, before leaving the UK and returning to Israel after graduating with a master’s degree. Perhaps my last night in Japan will concur.
This post was drafted as a rant rife with caps lock. Ultimately, I felt that this version wasn’t reflective of me. It is not often that I lose my composure. If something staggers me, it is probably too grave to fling on someone. I’d rather deal with my deepest issues on my own.
That was me until almost a year ago. Before June 2022, I never would’ve dreamed of starting a blog and divulging so much of my personal life. But I guess learning comes from hardship: pain pushes us to grow. That tangy taste people leave in your mouth makes you realise, after a while, they might be tasting it as well.
Looking at the strangers around me in this foreign land, it is clear to me that you never know what someone is going through. The people closest to you might be keeping secrets. What if we lived in a world where we shared our entire lives?
When I was in high school, I began envisioning such a world. This blog is partially research for this idea, because I am working on a story where everyone reads each other’s journals: privacy is not a concept the protagonists know of. So I need to understand what it feels like to expose more of myself.
This was merely the next step of a process that began nearly a year ago. When pushed into a corner and faced with their ineptitude, some people resort to self-harm, to regain control. I’ve done this once or twice in high school. Now, instead of opening my flesh, I chose to open my heart.
It sounds so trite, that I want to delete the above sentence. But then I’d revert to my old ways.
It’s always taken me a long time to open up. I can be a handful; I am well aware of that. But why should I resort to bland conversations and calculate every word I say? What’s the point of playing it safe, if it ends in failure?
I don’t want to hold back. This is how I feel, and toning it down will waste my time – time dedicated to rewrites, to concern, to hiding facets people might reject once out.
Oscar Wilde once said, “To define is to limit.” May I be so bold as to add: to regulate is to oppress; to educate is to liberate. I want to live in a world where we never think twice when it comes to who we are. I think ten thousand times, and in the end back down. But I’m through with wasting time. There is nothing more sacred in this world than time.
I’d do anything to travel through this dimension and see if humans will learn from their mistakes. Better yet, to uncover how those mistakes have begun. To attend a Dionysian Mystery, a symposium, and the Summer of Love. To dine with Oscar Wilde. I can’t think of a writer who rivals his wit, apart from screenwriters from the Hays Code era.
Will I ever be fully candid about my persona?
Not in this society. Not in this reality. But I have gone from maybe ten percent to fifty in less than a year. My entire life people have joked that I lacked feelings. Every time I shared a story in workshop, one of the students kept saying, “It’s SO cerebral.”
This came as a surprise. I hadn’t told myself to dial it down. Through my characters, I’d shared some of my innermost thoughts. I’d always been an emotional creature – never happy with a scene until it made me tear up – yet somewhere along the way, I’d lost the balance between the brain and the heart.
27 was the first age where I allowed myself to correct this without resorting to fiction.
It didn’t always work. Not everyone was receptive. But I was not afraid of a cold shoulder. ‘Acceptance’ and ‘rejection’ are not words I associate with people. As long as ‘a tendency, conscious or not, to hurt others’ isn’t part of someone’s modus operandi, these verbs have no just cause.
So here is me raising that percentage to 51. Before this trip, I re-read my childhood diaries for the first time. Some entries struck a chord. Here is one from my fourteenth birthday. It might explain how that balance was lost.
16 February 2009
- The following is a quick translation full of errors, intended to reflect my writing at the time.
- I had friends of both sexes in elementary school, then no friends in seventh grade, then two guy friends who eventually cut ties with me, then only girl friends in eighth and ninth grades, until I went back to having both in tenth grade.
- Hebrew speakers: don’t ask me why I spelled birthday like that, it’s a long story.
Monday 16/02/09
AAAAAHHHHH!!!! BIRTHDAY!!!
A stinky situation – P.E. 1st period on the Dango-birthday, so I’m going at 9:00 😀 It’s already 8:30, need to go get ready. B and A are probably coming over today… I want to tell them I’m gay, but I don’t know if I should. I hope we’ll be alone because N is at an after-school class and M definitely won’t be home.
I do want to tell someone today and I think I’ll really do it with B and A today. I have the perfect opportunity, and I feel ready! I have to get it off my chest already, I can’t anymore.
Going to school.
—
Came back from school (13:05).
I’m not excited at all, I just feel like it’s another normal day. Always, every year, I remember waking up with a smile on my face, being happy all day long and just squeezing every drop of happiness on that day. It began by waking up late, skipping P.E., and continued all day long when a million kids bullied me and called me gay, made impressions of me and cussed at me. I’m used to these things but the weird thing is that today it happened more than ever! And it’s really weird because lately there has barely been that stuff, and today of all days on my birthday it happened and in a really extreme way. Maybe they trash talked about me, said things about me, and “got together” to hurt me because it was from a group of kids who are friends… it didn’t radically affect me, but it didn’t contribute to the day! Get a life, bunch of assholes. They’re bored? Don’t cling to me. And I did not, am not and will not let them and their bullying get to me! I am much stronger than that and I don’t feel like it bugs me. (Hand hurts <_<)
Long story short I’m still not excited and smiling. During recess me, B and A (whose relationship with me is now getting stronger, just like my horoscope) were at the library, and then they told me we’d be going downstairs. They started making excuses and I knew it had something to do with the birthday, and we went downstairs, and there was a bag for me with balloons! Y came right over and hugged me – a thing only she dares to do and it’s not like we have the best relationship but I think it’s because I didn’t bother her obsessively like the rest in elementary school and so with her I have no basis of a (very) bad relationship. Still it was very nice of them to bring me this- I’m the only boy who got balloons (okay, well, everyone somehow knows I’m gay, even though I didn’t say) and they brought me candy too and lots of jam cookies that I really love!
It made me very happy but I barely ate anything because I wasn’t that hungry… I didn’t think they’d bring me and it was very nice of them. It just proves that now our relationship is great and I’m really happy. Like Justin from Ugly Betty I’m the first boy in the group! And I remember wanting this for so long, and now it happened. Yay ^-^.
Anyway about the birthday thing, this year I might have a very exciting present (more than Wii at 12) – a new DS came out in Japan in November (DSi) and it’s supposed to launch in the US in the spring. There’s a very strong rumour regarding April 4th and it was true with Pokémon Platinum (March 22nd) and I r-e-a-l-l-y hope it turns out true (and soon) because grandpa is going to the US in March until April and mom said he agreed to buy me a DSi!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I really hope it’ll happen because I’ve been wanting one for 4 years, and the new model is very enticing XD. A new game for the Wii should arrive – Animal Crossing: City Folk that I really wanted and finally got as a Dango-birthday present from D. I really wanted it to arrive already (there’s a hold up) because B and A and I could unpack it together… but no biggie, either way it will be mine. 😀
I started following my horoscope now, which turns out to be very true mostly. It predicted buying the game, H’s breakup and behaviour and even said I’d be at the centre of attention today – of course, it’s my birthday!
Anyway we’re heading out soon to a restaurant (Giraffe) in Tel-Aviv with Grandpa and his girlfriend… I’ll probably go out with B and A to a charity event, which sounds fun but kind of screws up my plan to come out in front of them. I think the timing is good and the opportunity as well and we’ll probably be alone (mom at home? Need to check) and the most important thing is that I feel ready, and I’ve been planning this for two weeks now. I really hope it will work out because it will finally help me a lot and reduce a bit of all my stress…
I’ve read a lot online about coming out and gotten a lot of information and tips about how to come out- it won’t be easy but I feel ready, after so long…
[…] Since I matured so fast the beginning of the confusion began for me at such an early age, in 2nd grade, and it really gave me a hard time growing up like this. I have messed-up genes and I hate my body and my appearance, and I am under so much stress that I don’t know what to do. I used to cry a lot and this year I cried only once. It began as usual when I told myself I wouldn’t cry anymore, but now I’m incapable of doing it. I think it’s because even though I’ve kept all the wounds inside, and it really made things hard for me and for years I’ve felt so emotional and sensitive and now I don’t feel that at all. I expect myself to cry now as I’m writing this, but… nothing.
I think it’s because somehow, with time, everything healed. The bullying only became worse but I just became stronger… and a lot more. It doesn’t get to me at all anymore, those words don’t bug me at all at all, and all the wounds, the grudge and the anger that have accumulated inside me all these years are gone. I became stronger and I’m happy for that partially. I, while writing all this, realised I’d simply developed a bulletproof shield for myself, one super strong, and I won’t let –
Oh no… well, yes, we’re going to a restaurant 😀 and now I’m really starving. To be continued… XD
Anyone pass through it; even in one of those heart-to-heart conversations I’ve had with H she told me she thought the same. I don’t think it’s good – I mean, it’s good that I’ve grown up, that it doesn’t get to me anymore all those things and that I’m better than that. The fact that I’ve learned to ignore and not get hurt fills me with joy, because I know at least until the end of the schoolyear the bullying will continue and right now it’s on the rise even though apart from today the entire year went well in that sense. But on the other hand I’m so bulletproof by now, and the “wall” I’ve developed for myself is so strong and extreme that no one has the ability to go through it. No one, and I barely share people with my secrets.
It’s very hard for me to open up, and I’m really scared of how people might react. There are so many who hate my kind of people, and especially you can see it in school. But I know it’s part of the routine, and it will always exist: not just homophobia, but the kids in class. They’re just confused and especially during puberty it’s hard for them to run into people like that, to understand them and know how to react. So I’m not fazed by this at all and it doesn’t get to me a-t a-l-l. Anyway I’d like – s-o badly, my emotional stress is so high even though lately it’s barely felt. I’m very confused about this situation, and I’d like to find out about this transformation within me – I don’t think it’s connected to my sexuality – it also really interests me, and of course I want to understand what happened, how it affects me. Right now I understand all the stress I’ve always felt is gone; I’ve always felt so hurt, so sensitive… it’s not only that this, and nothing else right now, bothers me, but that I’m not even crying. I think it stems from me maturing emotionally in a very extreme way, but also because I’ve just completely shut myself. I’m not open at all.
And the thing is I’m d=y=i=n=g for a hug, for touch, for warmth and love, and a boyfriend. I feel really desperate, I’m ready for a boyfriend but I understand it’s really really not simple. It will happen with time… I’m sure. 😛
And now it’s all coming back to me. Just as I’m writing all this. I’m also beginning to formulate a certain theory about my behaviour. I also think after what happened this year: my heart-to-heart conversations with H, and her decision to cut ties with me, really hurt me even though I know it was entirely my fault. I know I hurt her, a lot, and she even told me it was irreparable damage. And she asked me to cut ties. And it made me sad as hell because I really love her [platonically] and it’s important for me to stay on good terms with her. I understood her and therefore did as she asked. But I was sad. It also hurt my relationship with B. And suddenly we began to talk, and she also told me the situation didn’t make her happy. And now I’m happy like I don’t know what… the relationship has gotten so great. We’re closer than ever. I’m in the best relationship with the girls, all of them. Even now with K, Y, A.S. and L. We’re all friends, hanging out, right now we thought about going out on Friday to the horror movie “Friday the 13th” 😀 and they even brought me balloons and candy for the Dango-birthday, which was very nice of them.
Anyway, things are completely fixed. And the thing is I think because I felt so relieved due to the good relationships now, and so happy with the situation, that I just didn’t address my serious problems because I was so happy and thrilled. I guess I just pushed them aside. They’re probably buried, deep deep inside me, and starting to erupt right now, as I’m writing, and remembering it all.
Anyway after we came home from the restaurant, I hung out with B and A.R. at my place. it was really fun, we told jokes, gossiped… but [redacted] were home. I planned to come out of the closet in front of them [B and A] but I was counting on an empty house, and it ruined my plan. I escorted them out and when we said goodbye I thought about telling them, but I thought it’d be too forced, irrelevant and the location was bad. So I gave up.
I do feel ready, very, and I now begin to feel again the great need in emotional discharge, but I realised it won’t happen. I do want it to be at the “right time” – I don’t just wait and wait for nothing, because I know there’s no such thing and that you need to initiate on your own. But today I realised it won’t happen. I wanted to take advantage of this special day, but I felt it was forced, urgent and just inappropriate. Today was too cramped and I didn’t get enough privacy – only now I finally have some time to breathe, and barely too. I haven’t eaten dinner yet (21:00), and I also need to finish the manga that Ziv from Japanese lent me and return it to him tomorrow because I’ve had it for a month already. And I’m really tired, I’m falling asleep as I’m writing this. But it’s important for me to write all this. I guess the real recreation on my birthday is mental and emotional discharge to my diary, writing and organizing my thoughts and emotions, which I think is a very important thing, especially in my predicament and need.
Besides I’m not excited at all on this day, and I thought about it and I think it’s not for nothing: everything is connected to everything, and even in this matter. When I shut myself down emotionally over the last few months I grew up A LOT. A LOT. So, while all these last years I was just radiant, over the moon – I couldn’t take the smile off my face on my birthdays – this year I’m not. And it also shows my maturation. Not the physical one, which unfortunately came many years too soon, but emotional maturation. And I’m happy for that and thrilled, and very proud of myself, and I think it was the best present I could’ve asked for my birthday. I finish this diary, which I love so so much, with my favourite characters and series – Happy Potter, which will forever be a part of my life – with official maturation, wisdom, deep knowledge, and most importantly a lot of order within me. All this writing made me organise my thoughts and understand things better, and I’m sorry I didn’t write all this time in the diary because I’m SURE! it would’ve helped me a long time ago, and I could’ve saved myself great sorrow, but the important thing is that it’s here! I plan in the very near future to tell B, I don’t know who else right now, about me being gay, and even more about myself that is no less important. I will start with a journey to find my self, and of course a new diary! So, to be continued. 😊
There are many things I wish to say as a follow-up. Like my surprise at the mention of my horoscope, or at my pining for a partner. In the end, it did not happen. I cannot picture myself in a relationship.
It is hard to fit all my thoughts into one sitting. It is getting late, this post is getting long, and I would hate to unpack everything all at once. So I will let the following song do the talking. To be continued.
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