Be careful when power comes to thee also, lest thou too shouldst smite in thine anger or thy jealousy, for unconquerable strength is a sore weapon in the hands of erring man.

H.R. Haggard, “She: A History of Adventure”

In chapter 13, I…

• Develop an affection for gore and sadism

• Write, edit, direct, and star in a music video of The Beatles’ Maxwell’s Silver Hammer

Technically, the following isn’t related to my sexuality at all. Nor is it a diary entry.

The next chapter of my coming out story will be a big one. But if I’m to go chronologically, there’s something that preceded it: the music video my friends and I made of Maxwell’s Silver Hammer in film class between March-April 2011 (10th grade).

I wrote, edited, and directed it. And, embarrassingly enough, played the lead role.

Here’s the song and lyrics.

Joan was quizzical, studied pataphysicalScience in the homeLate nights all alone with a test tubeOh, oh, oh, ohMaxwell Edison, majoring in medicineCalls her on the phone"Can I take you out to the picturesJoa, oa, oa, oan?"But as she's getting ready to goA knock comes on the doorBang! Bang! Maxwell's silver hammerCame down upon her headClang! Clang! Maxwell's silver hammerMade sure that she was deadBack in school again, Maxwell plays the fool againTeacher gets annoyedWishing to avoid and unpleasant sce, e, e, eneShe tells Max to stay when the class has gone awaySo he waits behindWriting fifty times "I must not be so, o, o, oh"But when she turns her back on the boyHe grips up from behindBang! Bang! Maxwell's silver hammerCame down upon her headClang! Clang! Maxwell's silver hammerMade sure that she was deadP.C. thirty one said "Wev'e got a dirty one"Maxwell stands alonePainting testemonial picturesOh, oh, oh, ohRose and Vallery, screaming from the gallerySay "He must go free"The judge does not agree, and he tells them so, o, o, ohBut as the words are leaving his lipsA noise comes from behindBang! Bang! Maxwell's silver hammerCame down upon his headClang! Clang! Maxwell's silver hammerMade sure that he was deadSilver hammer man

This was my favourite Beatles song in middle and high school. I wonder why. Pent-up anger? I was obsessed with Happy Tree Friends, Higurashi no Naku Koro Ni, anything gory and sadistic. It made me laugh.

I mean, this is what I did for fun on my DSi:

One time, I went over to N’s, and showed her a scene from episode 17 of the first season of Higurashi. The one with the fingernail torture device.

She got mad at me.

“Great, now my parents will check my browsing history and see that I watched this.”

The fun was over.

My stance regarding media depictions of violence transformed radically after I went to uni. I wrote a seminar in neuroaesthetics about it. This is my long way of saying that I feel bad about the way I’ve depicted violence in the music video I’ve made. But I still find it so hilarious that it brings me to tears, and despite the above, I am super proud of it.

I didn’t exactly ask everyone involved for their permission. I hope they don’t mind. The teacher told me he’d formed a habit of showing it to students in later years, so I’m not the only one to spread it.

If they find out about this and they’re fine with it, I have some bloopers and outtakes as well.