‘Hateful day when I received life!’ I exclaimed in agony. ‘Accursed creator! Why did you form a monster so hideous that even you turned from me in disgust? God, in pity, made man beautiful and alluring, after his own image; but my form is a filthy type of yours, more horrid even from the very resemblance. Satan had his companions, fellow-devils, to admire and encourage him; but I am solitary and abhorred.’
Mary Shelley, “Frankenstein”
In chapter 9, I…
- Read stories of Israeli teenagers with queer relationships, and grow hopefull I’ll get to have one
- Decide to come out to B
- Remind myself no one will ever want me
- Start to work on my low self-esteem
２００９年5月1日 金ようび ２３：０８
Yesterday I felt really bad, my throat and head hurt (these are symptoms of the new swine flu that’s attacking lots of countries right now) and I still prepared for the math exam… but in the end I stayed home today. While I did wake up better, good enough for the exam. But I didn’t have the energy to go to school today and I was really tired, so maybe I exaggerated a little bit, but I also knew it would’ve been worse if I’d ended up going. No biggie, I’m alright now, just the throat a bit sore still…
Today I surfed the Pokémon Platinum fan website because I was a bit stuck <_< anyway there was a forum about general conversation as well and one of the topics was a discussion of gays / lesbians etc. and they all talked about it freely there… there was even one who is just 12…
First of all it made me recall this whole thing and luckily it doesn’t bother me at all right now, and I thought to myself that I do want to say this to someone.
B also moved recently and we wanted to hang out at her place just for fun so I’ll schedule with her and if the conditions are good I think I’ll take advantage of it.
Second thing I saw was the people there aren’t exactly the hottest […] and still “things are going well” for them. Like there’s this guy who’s 14, like me […] with lots of acne and glasses just like mine… and he’s already going out with his fifth boyfriend. First of all I was jealous, because I have no chance of this happening, but again it shows that I’ll “get” one too sometime and find someone.
2009年5月13日 22:25 Wednesday
It’s been a week since I last wrote, there’s a truly awful pressure at school at the end of the year and I might be playing the DS too much… =P
And mom might buy me two more games for the DS probably in just a month! [redacted] is coming from the US and since a game only costs 35$ mom agreed she’d bring me ^____^
What else has happened, besides exams? Hmmm, so I’ve been noticing another crazy hot guy (and I mean more than usual this past week) only one year above me, who used to have bangs and now […] and two days ago he walked by and H was like “How hot is he? Even though he’s emo” and I wanted to say “Yeah… true” or something but again there’s this hurdle…
Besides I constantly tell myself to stop dreaming, no way someone will ever want me, and I mean I have abysmal self-esteem and confidence, and from now on I’ll start working on them because it’s one of the basic things.
Even if it requires pathetic things like complimenting yourself in front of the mirror… besides it will definitely help my weird gait because it’s affected by it… and I don’t have to feel so gross with myself.
The last paragraph made me laugh. I don’t think I’ve ever stood in front of the mirror and uttered compliments out loud. At least my weird gait (and posture) resolved at some point. I remember waking up one day and being like “enough, today I fix this problem”.
Today’s song is a bit anachronistic. So far I chose for these chapters songs I’d listened to in school. Yet, for better or worse, it is as relevant today as it was back then. The second verse is even more so.
It’s physically painful to hold myself from sharing every song off Rina Sawayama’s second album. They all reach inside and hold me close.
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