If the human brain was simple enough for us to understand, we would still be so stupid that we couldn’t understand it.
Jostein Gaarder, “Sophie’s World”
In chapter 8, I…
- Grow addicted to my new Nintendo DS
- Continue having nightmares about supernatural entities that want to break into my house and kill me
- Realize gay people are everywhere
- Get my own bedroom at the age of fourteen
Chapter 7 ended on March 20th. The entries from the next five weeks don’t mention my sexuality. They chronicle things like family issues, more ups and downs with H, grandpa coming back from the US with a DSi, me gushing on Greek philosophers, planning my writing career, and grieving over my hand because it hurt too much from writing.
２００９年４月２５日 21:56 Saturday
Wow! I haven’t written in a relatively long time…
I’ve been busy with the DS =D I’ve been playing (just Pokémon Platinum) for like 11:30 hours… it’s so fun!! Finally a new Pokémon adventure! I guess it’ll take me between 50~60 hours to finish the main story and all the post-league legendary Pokémon (which is no short time) and then up to 100 hours with things like battle frontier and creating the perfect team and completing the PokeDex… long story short I won’t be bored =D.
Today I had a really bad nightmare. All my nightmares in the last few months featured a “supernatural entity” (like the one with the Pokémon) trying to break in and kill me. This time I wasn’t alone and it was very prolonged. I was hiding in the basement I think… dad wasn’t home, and mom was protecting me. I can’t remember if [redacted] were there. I remember the end vividly: I was upstairs, in mom’s room, and if I remember correctly “the danger was over”. We were watching TV and talking, and it was just another day. Then there was a knock on the door, and mom told me to go downstairs and open because it was probably [redacted] but the weird thing is that: 1) they live in the US nowadays. 2) what the hell are they doing in my dream?! 3) where’s [redacted] with them? And then while I was walking down the stairs, next to the door on the right there was this sort of see-through glass window only it was a window that blurred your vision, and I vividly remember seeing while going downstairs through this glass a fairy.
First of all, the image wasn’t blurred like it was supposed to look, and second I knew these were the “supernatural entities” that wanted to kill me, even though: 1) it was for the first time in a dream that I knew what they looked like (being fairies, too). 2) the danger was over, right?
But for some reason I didn’t treat it this way. I think the me inside the dream who was walking down the stairs didn’t see it, and thus he (me) didn’t notice them and carried on as usual. But I, as the dreamer (and the weird thing is that my perspective was the me walking down the stairs, i.e., myself) did notice it and tried to… alert the me walking down the stairs? O_O. And then the me walking down the stairs came to open the door, and at the same time me as the dreamer also noticed (the “fairies” simultaneously) they were shapeshifting… into [redacted].
The final ending is kind of hazy, I’m pretty sure in the end (before the door opened) the me walking down the stairs noticed it and started locking everything up, and in the end closed the windows near the door in the kitchen as well. Yeah, that’s what happened.
Another weird thing is that in the dream with the same characteristics of the Pokémon trying to break in and kill me, I always find myself in the end in the kitchen as well, closing the same windows while seeing the “supernatural entities” watching me and wanting to kill me. Only the entities and the time changed.
Very weird. I want a psychologist >< maybe I’ll consult H. Anyway there’s no P.E. tomorrow, there’s a theatre show =D When I actually participate in those classes, they get cancelled – yay!! =D
One of the first pictures I took of myself with my new DSi was this, on April 27th:
Out of all my recurring dreams, the “I’m home locking everything up because someone is trying to break in and kill me” one has been the most frequent. I’ve been dreaming it ever since. It may have stopped in the last few months – I’m not sure – I barely remember my dreams, perhaps I should start a dream journal. There are only a few I vividly remember. For example, the dream from chapter 2 ended with Glalie, a Pokémon that literally gave me nightmares.
What I didn’t remember from both dreams, though, was the shapeshifting element. This took me by surprise, because I’ve been working on a children’s novel where the villain is a shapeshifter… and then the protagonists become capable of it, too… guess I have a thing for shapeshifters.
The remaining entries from April 2009 chronicle things like going to the theatre show and mentioning a scene where several actors were taking a shower (naked just from the waist up) that I found too commercialised, while noticing a gay kid in the audience and realising gay people were everywhere; a class about body image and thoughts about mine; more bizarre dreams; and finally getting my own bedroom at 14. Still no mention of coming out / my sexuality.
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