２００９年3月１８ひ           22:02     Wednesday

Today there was a school excursion to a Druze village ☹

The first excursion I’ve been to in over a year, I just loath it! I kind of regret going but in the end it was really fun with lots of laughter.

In the last month all my dreams were set at school! It means running away from responsibilities, impending failure, a period of confusion… and there are a couple of really weird things about it: 1) if I’m constantly dreaming about school then there’s probably a very important message I need to internalise. 2) in my monthly horoscope was the dream-definition of school – it’s all related to one another and turns out to be true!

Anyway there was something in one of the dreams that pointed at a wish for a mentor who’d help in the period of confusion. And then H said she was willing to be one for me… once again it’s really weird for me I don’t know how to treat this anymore if she was really serious about wanting to help me or just joking.

Long story short I hope all the school messages will turn out to be false because I want a bright future! XD and I really don’t feel confused or run away from responsibilities… actually I’m pretty confused about coming out. :/

２００９年3月19日            22:03 Thursday

Today I guided in a very spontaneous way pensioners (again) at the Iris Reserve… I lost 4 hours of school and it was kind of nice but I was starving and dying of thirst and didn’t have food or water ☹ then I returned straight to math class with [teacher] and neuroscience (astrophysics) with [teacher]… I came home exhausted and tired as hell but I had to work until 18:00 because there was an English class at 19:00. Now I’m dying already and have no energy to get ready for the test!

Anyway, H (almost) found herself a new boyfriend already – another one! […] I’m really jealous of her! I wish I found someone, but it’s hopeless. First of all, no one I know is gay, and no one knows I am gay for sure, and besides I’m ugly and no one will want me. I need to sink into self-pity and not get out of bed but: 1) there’s a test tomorrow, and on Sunday, and Tuesday, and of course more. 2) mom is the strictest with these things and you stay home only if there’s a high fever. There’s too much pressure on me yet again even though right now I don’t feel it because I’m used to it (and I haven’t played Animal Crossing today ☹) but it will peak very soon. And I feel like I need to pull a “stop!” and quit rushing to do things for a moment, sit down and get some rest. I haven’t been logging into ICQ at all for about two months now and having really long conversations with H and N! I don’t have time to clear at all! So I think I’ll reduce (no!!!!!!!!) my daily dosage of Animal Crossing to once every two days 😭 and make time for other “activities”.

And I’ll also try to promise myself that by the end of the age of 14 I’ll make considerable progress with the coming out issue and who knows maybe a boyfriend? If I’m lucky.

Must check horoscope!!!!!

２００９年3月20日            金ようび   21:23

I’m just frustrated.

Not because the pen is not writing anymore (gonna get a new one)

(came back)

But because in the last few days I’ve been feeling for the first time in nearly two years once again full of anger, grudge, and hurt and must unpack everything.

I haven’t felt this way for a while. I feel so full of devilry (not the awesome kind :3) and evil (same) and complete malice (same…).

I can’t with [redacted] anymore- and in the last two days it sort of reached a new low. But the thing is I’m smarter than him with my behaviour as well, know how to act rather than curse and strike every second and show that an anger management workshop and a psychiatrist will be a wonderful and extremely urgent solution. I mostly just ignore and know than even through verbality albeit curse-free I can hurt and in a much stronger manner (thanks to my developed language, my emotional X-ray and my analysing skill).

But despite all the years I’ve managed to ignore even though I really wanted to cause him pain I feel again that I simply can’t take another hit and must let loose.

I haven’t missed this feeling at all: I feel like there’s a weight on my heart that also works harder and I’m constantly under pressure that I can’t alleviate. My heart is bursting with anger and it hurts my chest and I feel like I have a devilish expression that won’t come off my face.

I feel abhorred.

And oh, hurt.

But I still remain completely calm on the outside (which annoys [redated] way more, haha!) and know it’s smarter to act quiet, without flipping out, but behaving more smartly.

And I’m really proud of myself for being able to rise above his low level but I still feel very frustrated too because there’s nothing I can do about it: I see his face all day long […] and I’d rather just distance myself because it’s the most mature way to deal with it and today [you get the point…]