We all have our moments of weakness, just as well that we are still capable of weeping, tears are often our salvation, there are times when we would die if we did not weep.
Jose Saramago, “Blindness”
In chapter 6, I…
- Hear from H that I’ll always be alone because I’m gay
- Realize I am too ugly and annoying for anyone to date me
- Take pride in the walls I’ve built around me as a thirteen-year-old
- Find that I have lost the ability to cry
- Focus on my dream of writing instead, and come up with an idea for a memoir
2009年3月15日 22:44 Monday Sunday
Today during recess at school H said something I’m almost certain was a joke but I know is true.
“You’ll always be alone, Omer, because you’re gay, oh but you’ll find yourself a gay boyfriend” (sort of).
The truth hurts and it’s the first time since all the process I’ve been through this year that I’m hurting again. Because it’s true. I will be alone. I’m an ugly monkey with a disgusting personality and confidence and self-esteem that yearn to escape the minus threshold, and I know it’s all true. I think I’m allowed to sink into self-pity a little – I’ve earned it. I can’t be happy about this after all.
Oh well, like all rejected people I’ve developed for myself a thick and futuristic titanium shield and I’m much stronger than them – and I did all this at 13. I think that’s also something to be proud of, no? I’m strong and I have big aspirations. And I’ll achieve them. I have what it takes.
But I will be alone.
– self-pity – Will there be a tear today? I miss crying. I nearly cried while listening to yesterday (beatles).
2009年3月16日 22:24 Monday
There was barely a tear.
I really tried, but barely anything came out! I’m becoming hard as rock, like Wilhelmina! [from Ugly Betty]
But it’s a good thing. It only shows I’m strong and can thus focus on things like my career my future, it’s what I have big aspirations for.
You are an attractive, intelligent, confidence business woman and you don’t need a man to complete you.
I love this sentence.
Especially because it speaks to me. I’m just like the characters on TV (Betty!!!) who need this compliment – I’m in the exact same position. Regarding the features I’m confident with just the intelligence – attractive? Me? That’s the thing, I hate my body. And I don’t need a man to complete me (although there’s nothing wrong with wanting one).
And even though H told me today what she said was totally a joke, it will be true (the part I forgot to add is that I won’t have kids and worst-case scenario I’ll adopt). I will be alone.
Oh well, at least I’ll have a DS. 😀
OMG I smell an idea and a muse for a book coming!! Okay so I’m getting an idea in my brain. Something like a biography about me except nothing’s happened yet. Something that will start with a sad part, “I’ve always been alone” for instance, “no one’s really understood me.”
How I long to write again! I miss writing, except my problems are lack of muse and openness. And I’m tackling them these days in a creative writing and self-expression project at school, so… oh it will rule. “I’ve built myself slowly…” description of how the protagonist climbs to the top…
And then one day he goes through a nervous breakdown (?) and later on it will describe what happened and led to it (?)
And he achieved all his aspirations and dreams but feels something’s missing. His life has become boring, predictable, safe.
- I’ll copy this to a notepad I’ll buy and write in it ideas because it’ll be great.
- Buy a notepad
I wonder what my fourteen-year-old self would have said, if he’d known he wouldn’t grow up to achieve those aspirations.
A few months after this entry, on 21 July 2009, I took a picture of Wilhelmina and edited myself into it.
As for that last bit with the lame book idea: I never pursued it. Me, writing an autobiography? I was always more interested in the unknown. Plus, I never thought anyone would care.
Now that I’m finally doing so, I realise I was right.
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