２００９年3月14日             22:05     Saturday

Yesterday I returned home at 1:30 am, I was so tired (H’s party) and slept till 12:00! N had a horse competition today but I was too tired to go watch.

So today I talked to H about her analyses of me but I think it’s pretty hopeless – she won’t tell me! It really piques my curiosity but it’s also my “plan” / best idea regarding how to come out to her. Even though I’m in no rush at all and don’t feel any need to do it.

Yesterday grandpa came over for dinner and I wrote him exactly what he needed to know to buy a Nintendo DSi and Pokémon Platinum! I still can’t believe it’s happening and I’ll finally have a DS!! I can’t stop thinking about it and picturing me playing :3 I just hope they’ll find it, with my luck… something will probably go wrong or M will take over it – but I already know what to do, just like with the Wii: we bought it, M was crazy excited, I didn’t limit him, and then after less than a month he completely stopped touching the Wii. Just like with Zelda, only it took a week. The thing is he (sort of) hates Nintendo and doesn’t like this style – he’s just excited by things at first, and it blows over really fast (especially with Nintendo) […] besides it’s not even a very serious problem – and unfortunately I have a few others that sort of squash this issue.

I really want a boyfriend but [I’m] closeted, and plus fugly with all my messed-up genes and walking like a caveman. And I need to work out and I partially want to but for some reason I’m kind of embarrassed… that I’ll be seen working out. I just worry too much about how I appear to others.

And when for fuck’s sake will my acne be gone? I already see signs of weakening but it doesn’t leave me! I’m cursed! Or just with super messed up genes.

[…]

I feel like I’m trying to look for problems but this year the strangest thing happened: they all disappeared. I don’t feel stress, anger, grudge, hurt, more stress, a need to come out, distress etc. (and also loneliness). It happened after or while I became an official member of the girls’ group and that after all these 8 years we’re okay and also friends – I guess this was basically one of my biggest problems and after it was solved in the best way possible I felt so relieved that I somehow solved other things as well, and I guess at that time and maybe because of it because everything affects everything, I completely matured (emotionally), stopped holding grudge, being angry, getting hurt, and I just ignore all the insults and it doesn’t get to me at all. And also I still don’t feel like I need to come out – probably because all my cares and problems are solved and the pressure I’ve felt for wanting to solve by coming out is completely lifted so there’s no need for that right now. So basically I’m doing pretty good now! Better than ever, that’s for sure. 😀