24-25.08.2011

The night between Wednesday and Thursday

So today I hung out with A.B. [a different A than the one from chapter 14] after I hadn’t seen her in over a month… she shared with me very personal details about her and I know she felt close enough to me to tell me, as the second friend who knows about them.

Anyhow I planned to tell her I’m gay but I chickened out as usual, but somehow plucked up the courage and texted her this a few minutes after we said goodbye. She reacted just as I’d anticipated, understanding and all, so much that she even wanted me to do it face to face – she knew it wasn’t a topic for text messages, and so did I, but that was the only way I could do it.

Coming out is not so fun but more of a burden for me, I really don’t feel relieved or anything like it. It probably has something to do with the fact that I’m still too emotionally reserved and not sure an act like this will make much of a difference, but more than anything it has something to do with the fact that I still don’t know if I’m even looking for a romantic relationship (i.e. interested in integrating my sexuality into my life). I am definitely interested in sex, kissing boys and experimenting romantically, but I’m not sure it will happen anytime soon, or if I had the chance – I might not even cooperate at all and try to make something out of it. A romantic relationship or any relationship with a guy appeals to me and I constantly fantasise about it, but I can’t picture myself partaking in it. At the end of the day I still don’t feel the need to emphasise my sexuality so that I’d be able to experience such a connection.

Though unrelated, over the last few months I’ve developed a curiosity toward the female sex as well. I know most gays experience the opposite of that, but for me things are different – I’ve always known I was attracted strictly to men and never stopped and thought – I’m gay, I’m different. Everything always felt completely natural, not new or unknown. But lately I’ve also been attracted, sometimes, to women as well. It happens only when I fantasise about sex with a woman (definitely something I’d like to experience) or even […] I, no doubt, am not interested in a romantic relationship with a woman, so my interest is purely sexual. I’ve concluded that this is merely a natural curiosity that arises at this age – it’s just that often it’s the opposite so that a hetero begins to feel attraction toward the same sex till they come to accept their sexuality. Men are still my preference (a guy will always be above a girl to me) but I think right now I’m 25% interested in women, and it’s something that will continue to happen until I experiment with one and decide whether it’s for me or not. Even though I’m sure I’ll never reach pure bisexuality but Kinsey 4 or 5. It makes sense for me to be confused at the moment but I’m totally not, I’ll just wait patiently for the experimentation that will help me decide once and for all. The most that can happen is that I’ll occasionally sleep with a woman, obviously I’d rather it happened with a man. Chances are this is, again, a transient curiosity, because sometimes I’m sexually attracted to women and sometimes they make me nauseous.

Anyway coming out and experimenting sexually or romantically are not even my top priority right now, but rather thinking who my real friends are, who I want to spend the next year with. I’m so sick of so many people. I’ve already grown used to no one seeing me now during vacation on a regular basis (at school), no one caring about me enough to stay in touch on a regular basis. And that’s okay because this way I had plenty, plenty of time to think during vacation about my social standing, and of course as I already mentioned about topics like coming out and various sexual attractions. I, R, N, H, S, A.S., and who else? These are some of the people that were close to me throughout the year, that I’m not sure I even feel close to anymore. I’m very hurt by people (who are supposed to be close to me) and their lack of care but that’s all behind me. I think I’ll grow closer to people like A.B. and A.C., they’re both much more well-mannered and caring, and besides I’m having more fun with them right now. I rekindled my friendship with both this week. They didn’t call either, true, but I know for the same reason as me – because I hadn’t called them, so I made the first step and I’m glad I did.

A.R. who I haven’t spoken to in months was the only person who called me, a week ago, and she wanted to rekindle things. Tomorrow I’ll hang out with her and I very much look forward to it, I hope we can go back to being close like we used to, but considering how she changed I still feel doubt (and sorrow). But mostly I want to meet new people so I can sort of turn over a new leaf with them. Maybe I’ll be honest and open and more real from the get go. I’m just sick of most people and I really don’t feel like seeing everyone next week (beginning of school year). Still it’s me I’m talking about and I obviously know that it’s very hard for me to make friends, to open up to people, so even though an ideal solution would be to relocate to a new place, it’d be harder for me than now. Just like A.C. said, once school starts everything will work out and I’ll see who I’ll want to be with this year. At the end of the day I’m sick of all this environment; the people, the atmosphere, and the fact I don’t know any other gays, no matter what age! This all just aggravates my feeling of isolation. And consequently for years I’ve been covered in an emotional shield so thick that it’s scary, and chances are it will escort me my whole life, because the thought of being close to someone, platonically or beyond, and more than that totally authentic with them, doesn’t make sense to me, and more than anything, sounds weird. It’s something unfamiliar to me. But I prefer it that way. Not because of all the “I don’t wanna get hurt” bullshit but because it’s more convenient for me to live this way, even though it completely messes me up and creates mental problems, depressions and the like. I’m just more of the work-life-no-social-life type. I do however want in my twenties to live more freely, to go out with friends, to have fun with men (and maybe a few women?) – basically some sort of a fantasy about a flourishing urban life in a place where you can find gays for me to be with. Again, the complete opposite of Israel!!

Back to the last topic I’m interested in hearing what A.B. will say the next time we see each other, and A.S. [from chapter 14], who one-or-two hours ago texted me if I wanted to hang out, after I’d already despaired at my efforts to try to get her to meet me and abandoned the will to see her, but I happily texted yes. Me, talk to them about boys…?