07.07.2011

Thursday

Fuck, it’s already been a year and a half since I last wrote here? Time flies. Today was a pretty significant day in my life, so I figured I’d etch it into memory. [something happened] which meant the house was mine till this evening; I plucked up the courage and invited A again (she came over yesterday too) and decided no matter what, this shot I wouldn’t blow.

For months I’ve been surfing the web, reading other people’s stories, tips and incidents… I’m not really confused or need anonymous help, I’m just a coward lacking bravery and quite frankly motivation, coming out never felt to me like a need or an act that would make my life better because… it won’t. I’ve made excuses for my repeated postponing such as lack of privacy, and occasionally also doubting the person I’d tell first; B and I are no longer speaking, no fight or anything but just the fact that we’ve both (she mostly) changed and can no longer hang out with each other the way we used to. Anyway, the fact that I hadn’t told her ended up serendipitous, because we’d grown apart (and with all her extreme religion and the way she reacted with disgust to the gay scenes on Ugly Betty… it’s better this way). Regardless I figured A would be more positive about this and she’s the closest person to me right now, so why not. (Two weeks ago I had the perfect opportunity with N, but I chickened out like I always do, and I’m glad I did.)

I know it won’t help me at all to come out, not to find a boyfriend, or as a huge emotional relief, but I’ve decided to get it over with whilst hoping I will feel better after I do.

The moment came and I could no more, I argued with myself inside my head while A was yelling at me to play another episode of some show, and I knew I’d chicken out again and wouldn’t do it; in a perfect lack of tact, while her mind was completely absorbed in the show and cared about nothing else, I told (more like stuttered…) her all this, and she didn’t hear the first time and I repeated it. All she said (without looking at me but at the TV screen) was “Fine, now play the episode already!” and I did; by a great stroke of luck I had a phone call and an excuse to go upstairs and organise my thoughts. My heart was pounding so hard, I couldn’t believe I’d done it. But I didn’t feel any relief or happiness, only confusion. I think she just wasn’t concentrated enough and I picked a bad moment.

I returned downstairs and didn’t say anything, I knew she needed to go soon, and I tried to think, while we were watching the show, about what just happened and what to do with it.

She didn’t even mention it as though it didn’t happen, so again, and still with great difficulty, I plucked up the courage and asked her in embarrassment when I escorted her out, if she heard what I’d said earlier. She asked me how I wanted her to react and without thinking I said “like that”, and then she said I was cute, probably because she felt the need to say something. She hugged me goodbye and here I am now, chronicling the story again. (It’s been an hour just now! I still can’t believe it.)

I suppose it will seep into her later today, and I’ll be surprised if she doesn’t bring it up the next time we talk, but chances are it’s what will happen, she won’t mention it again. I just feel like A will turn out to be someone who won’t react with a grand gesture (whether enthusiasm or confusion) to such news, including, for instance, to conversations about boys (even though it is more likely to happen). From that I conclude that coming out to A will achieve nothing, apart from the fact that I finally did it. But I guess it’s a good thing. I hope it stems from the fact that her friends’ sexual orientation doesn’t really matter to her, and not from the fact that it took her by surprise and she needed to think about her stance regarding all this. Actually, I’m fairly confident she knows at least one person who’s gay and that’s why it’s not a big deal for her – or because it’s pretty obvious when it comes to me. Still, I thought she’d react in a louder way (which is good in my opinion, I know it’d just be in a positive way) and more fulfilling, because it was very hard for me to do it.

That’s what I’m missing, fulfilment. I feel even emptier now, not to mention increased doubt in my love life or the fact that anyone would care. Chances are she’ll try to talk about boys, and I already know I will try to avoid it like I always do… I still don’t feel natural enough to talk so openly, and I’m sure it will take me a long time to feel so. But I’ve always been an introverted person who hides their emotions etc… now that I think about it, this is the first secret I’ve shared with someone, and again, it turned out to be unfulfilling.

I suppose I will at least text her to keep the matter private, if it wasn’t obvious, and this way I might also make her think about it? I’m so confused right now, I’ll go out to Y centre to write down my shifts at Igloo (an ice cream shop I work at and hate it, by the way) and buy an ice cappuccino and think about things… maybe I’ll call N, hang out with her and tell her? Fuck, I hate sharing my secrets with people, but N, no doubt, will react in a much more fulfilling way.