So I’ve been sort of making fun of H for the way she acts when she talks to [her boyfriend]- a typical teenager in love- jokingly of course, but I don’t know… it’s not that I’m jealous of [him] or something, I’m not attracted to H, plus I only see her as “my sister”.

Still I’ve noticed that I… don’t know how to even explain it… exhibit a certain attraction to H’s boyfriends (only when she’s dating them!). Not sexual, emotional, whatever this is. I don’t have a clue anymore.

And in the last few days I found myself constantly bringing up [her current boyfriend] when I’m with H.

Gross.

I’m really not attracted to inconsiderate [redacted], but…

I don’t know. Maybe it’s like when other people who are platonically close to others want to “protect” them when they’re dating someone, so they’re worried about them and want to find out about the boyfriend… I guess this is more like it. I hope.

Besides 2 days ago H asked me if I’m gay and I avoided in a really bad way… I’m sure she has her doubts and speculations, or something. Pretty sure she also writes about it in her journal.

Ugh what a tangle from this whole gay or not thing! Enough!

２００９年5月28日            もくようび            ０：２５

Vacation! Ahh! Finally vacation! I managed to nap in the afternoon for like four hours because I was exhausted…

And then I logged into ICQ like H had asked me to many times and as usual she wouldn’t engage in conversations with me anymore and was busy talking with others, which is fine but why does she want me to log in if we don’t talk at all?

Yesterday during one of the back-from-school-conversations […] I recalled her saying she sometimes analysed me, and then asked her to “share her findings with me” and she refused claiming I’d get hurt, so I tried to analyse her a little bit…

[…] I mean, this year I went through a huge transformation, I’m a completely different person now […] and maybe when I start, hopefully, dating a boy sometime, I’ll change too? Will it change me?

How much can I change? XD

[…] Anyway, she mentioned the other day a website called WikiHow, i.e., a website with lots of articles about how to do things.

So I opened it “officially” (with enough free time to dig deep) and saw that there was obviously an LGBT (lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender) category. There were articles about things like how to come out, or especially when you’re a teenager- I read the main one but I think the teen one, obviously, will be more relevant, with issues like getting kicked out of the house. I don’t think [it will happen for some redacted reasons]

Anyway I think I’m almost ready- if the opportunity arises, which is pretty hopeless, I’ll “jump” at it I think. I already know I’ll start worrying, and regretting, and postponing, but I’ll really try to pluck up the courage and confess. I know it’ll help, but… whoever I tell, it’ll probably change our entire relationship… and I’m scared of this change. Maybe there will be repression? Discomfort? At least I know that B and H are really fine with this whole thing, but on the other hand I’ve seen signs of homophobia from [redacted].